Honesty never looked better on a politician. He has given hope for all men who choose to have a double life. Thank you Edwards your an inspiration to us all.

Tablet Day dawns for Apple
The clouds have opened and the gods on Olympus  have deigned to give their greatness to mankind. The minds of Apple have weighed in and decided  to grace us with new technology. Thank you Prometheus, thank you.

4 charged in U.S. Senate office infiltration in New Orleans
Nixon is rolling in his grave. Whatever happened to a good old school hack.

The gun markets of Pakistan
Holy shit its the Bizarre Bazaar. They finally opened their doors you like AK you like Anti Tank they gots it. From missiles to muskets your delight is in their sights.

Candidate for governor likens government aid to feeding stray animal
Really come on now. The problem is the guy has been known for this and now South Carolina is stuck coming off the disappearing man and he's their next choice.

Software executive admits affair after mistress' billboard campaign
Pretty hard to deny something when images are plastered above the city. Not to discreet I'd say.

Charities fight for piece of $5 million prize on Facebook
They call it FaceCage, charities enter and the last one standing wins the prize. I've got 3 to 1 odds on UNICEF. Those kids can be scrappers however Red Cross might give them a scare with all those blood and needles.

Rise in teen pregnancies spurs debate
Abstinence just got knocked up. We can send condoms to Africa to curb the spread of AIDS yet we won't teach kids about rubbers. Just because you hand out a condom doesn't mean that kid is going to use it, people hand out pamphlets on the street you might take it but do you go to that store? Show kids that they have options, the American way is choice.

Former Guatemalan president charged in U.S. with money-laundering
Tropico the master game player taken to a real level. El Presidente created a paradise of money and rum for himself then hopped away with his winnings.

Cocaine found in space shuttle hangar
PAAARTAAAY! They stashed the hookers in the cockpit and the kegs in the shuttle bay. To bad they didn't invite Steve from mission control, I know he has a tendency to piss in the punch bowl when drunk but man when he feels slighted he calls the cops about party's.

China fires back at cyber attack charge
"Baby my doctor said it wasn't a problem, those little bumps aren't herpes!" said China to Google. "We clean, you must of got that from someone else."

'Miracle on Hudson' plane up for auction 
Who wants a flooded broken plane. Alright so it's history but really come on.

Air France changes policy for heavy passengers
The french thumb their nose at Americans seeing as how a third of us are are obese. Little Napoleon over at Air France is toasting with Baguettes and Wine on how they can make America poor.  Cause who doesn't want to sit next to Jabba the Hutt as he drools on your shoulder?

Company offers to stop putting biblical references on military scopesEvery time they get a head shot the soldiers can shout "Boyah I went biblical on your ass!" Do we really need to make these soldiers think they wield a powerful weapon of Jesus against the infidels. Come on we're trying to heal relations between Christians and Muslims not take it to a whole new level.

Dad said what?
Hey not thanks for the election but rather look at my sweet thang daughters, their single!


Supreme Court eases restrictions on corporate campaign spending
Oh sweet. I can now buy my own election. Confusion and trickery lets get it on. The way I see it we can now make up phony groups and have them announce their support for a politician.

Kraft seals Cadbury deal
There's a bunny revolt. Its now official those commercials will forever have to be done by other animals due to the bunny strike.

Store launches divorce registry
Sweet I can now surf a registry for newly single and slightly damaged. Its the not so obvious new form of online matchmaking.

David Blaine does magic to help Haiti
Plans are made to make all the escaped criminals reappear in their cells.

Wyclef Jean tearfully defends charity
Sad thing is the information came from the Smoking Gun. What happens when investigative reporting is done by a website that post awesome halloween lockup pics.

How to commit social suicide online
Facebook calls the creators Kevorkians. There are plans to hold a tribunal and put them up for execution online.

Weapons inspector stung in sex case
Oops talkin dirty online just got a little spanking. A lot must have slipped by this inspector when looking for WMD's esspecially when the girls name was "Undercoversweetthing15"

Is bathing just once a week healthy?
The Stinky Cheese Man has now won a major legal case in the Land of Happy. Sprinkle some sexy stink on the city with immunity.

Apple to debut its 'latest creation'
Frankenstein is fuming his creation came out but Apple employees chased it into a windmill and burned him alive. Frankenstein is now trying to get a groundswell of support in order enact his vengeance on their creation.

Google relaxes self-censorship in China
Google has decided to shoot the load without any worries. When they wore a rubber they kept themselves in check now they're wham bam thank you ma'am college kids.

Haitian envoy: Quake levels most of capital
And people throughout the US wonder... Is Haiti in Cuba or Mexico?

Botox to vacations: Where bankers spend their bonuses
Hookers and strippers, hookers and strippers that's all it should be. Bonus's should spread love and joy to all the crack filled underprivileged of the world.   

Google reports China-based attack, says pullout possible 
See Google should have used a condom, wouldn't have had to worry about a pullout.

McGwire opens up about steroid admission 
The heavy brow, jacked appearance in a short amount of time didn't set off any bells. 

Blagojevich: 'Stupid' to say I'm blacker than Obama
Don King then said "My hairs bigger and blacker than yours". As reported by an outside source.

No Pants Trolley
Sweet Jesus the world just got awesome.  Dammit forgot about the no pants overweight trolley drivers and riders. no No NO NO make the cottage cheese legs stop. Make it stop.

Teens fall through ice; 2 die
I think there was a movie called the "Dead Zone" where this happened.

Flight aborted over odor
Who let the Stinky Cheese Man aboard. Did he run through the plane frolicking and sprinkling cheese stink dust on the passengers to warrant a landing.

Cops: Student made weapon
Two kids enter one kid leaves. Whoever said you couldn't make something useful in shop class except an unbalanced shelf never made an awesome knife made of a pen.

Acid attacks are 'easy' in Hong Kong

Does easy mean there are street vendors hawking their acid wares, people teaching you how and when to make the best attack. What makes an acid attack so easy, what if you suck at throwing. I wonder if there are instructions on a Wiley Coyote contraption to make it easy.


Study: China faces bride shortage

The new import mail-order American brides its all the rage, since all that single child per family and their exportation of Chinese baby girls to adopting american families. 

Japan's jobless turn to capsule hotels

Taking living in a cubicle one step further.

State Dept.: Misspelling led to visa snafu

And i thought i never needed to worry about spelling since i had spell check. Dammit.

Man sparks credit card revolt

Tyler Durden is striking fear in the heart of "The Credit Man". Oh wait he just refused to pay his bill, so all those people who scam credit card numbers are really just helping us. Hasn't this been done and tried by all poor people for years.

Why not to mock hacked pols

Mr. Bean is a president. sweet jesus i knew there was something crazy about those EU people.

Feds: Doctor bombed other doctor

I think these two doctors have been reading spy vs spy way to long. Brainwashed by constant bombardment in their own waiting rooms with Mad Magazine.

He ate what he wanted, lost 125 lbs.

Taco Bell makes a run for weight loss

Seems these articles really do go hand in hand.

Icy kamikaze iguanas rain from trees

Banzai! Tora Tora Tora! Its a war, a dam dirty war of frozen reptiles vs furry mammals. In a last ditch effort they unleashed hell.

Lawsuit calls yoga chain a cult

Dammit i knew there was a way to make a cult. If only I would have known that turning up the heat and throwing on some soothing indian music and a wii fit i could have become the all powerful. Who knew that during yoga they had a man walking around with loudspeaker telling people you are not a beautiful and unique snowflake.

HIV fears for World Cup

Hope no one goes Tyson on the field. Talk about a game where being a blood bath takes on a whole new freaky meaning.

Polanski judge: Why are we here?

Really... Come on. What's a little sexy sexy with a young girl. I mean really look how old she is now.

Kate Gosselin loses her trademark 'do

Shit now the new hair do i have is out of style and there's been a run on weaves and extensions. So pissed off now.  Must do battle with those millions of women who follow her like rabid dogs for a blonde wig.

Honey in luggage shuts down airport

Apparently something sweet can kill, or so the TSA thinks. Those honey bear containers  are pretty fierce and scare the bejeezus out of me whenever i see them at a store so perhaps they were right to pass out in fear.

Police: Missing lotto winner may be dead

The guy blew through 16.9 million in three years, talk about one hell of a crazy ride. Apparently reenacting a Scarface/Miami Vice/Jamiacan style party down in Florida I hear can be pretty expensive.

14 terror suspects blow themselves up
Talk about a premature release. The song "wheels on the bus" added a new line "The terrorists in the back go boom boom boom all the way to Allah.". Apparently having a really over excited terrorist with nervous ticks is not the best person to have on your bomb making crew.

Cameras not on during airport breach
Truth is they moved the cameras to watch a paper bag for youtube they wanted to be all deep and shit.

I spy a 'stealth Starbucks'
Starbucks has finally been able to crush those subversive coffee shop whores who hate the man by tricking them with a new facade. Their "baby gap" has finally sprouted wings and is ready to fly only to be shot down by this article when all those G8 protestors realize they've been duped.

Do starlets benefit from higher ed?
Really...Come on. I'm stumped like a fat kid trying to do an obstacle course.